seeing amala interact with people her age and realizing how she is kinda awkward. How she isn’t necessarily the cool person people like to chill with or hang out with. Basically not a lotta charisma.

And then seeing my dad and how people love to talk with him. His story telling skills, how people get engrossed in his narration.

And seeing the side of my dad where he ignores people he finds lame. The family friend uncle he doesn’t really like to talk with not out of animosity or anything but just because the dude is a bit lame in his perspective.

How he wants to hang out still with the people he thinks to be cool. or the fact that when i see him interact with his “bois” and how there is drama and the dynamics between them.

The definition of cool seems to change, being popular in highschool meant being able to dance, knowing a lotta people and getting them girls for the bois. Each phase seems to have its own definition, my dad gi perspective na lay it means to do some really big and profitable construction business and to ride a pretty banger of a car.

For my mom the definition of coolness i actually dont know, i dont think my mom would be cool enough for me to hang out with tbh. but i know for her the definition of coolness would center around my own perspectives as well. Someone intellectual, highly educated and articulate and outspoken and very smart.

I think my mom thinks my eldest sister is really cool. I think she has that sense of pride of having a strong daughter, resolute and satratra, a relationship that isn’t replicable from a mother to daughter just like how father son isn’t replicable.

But what i wanted to say is we think we are all above the highschool phase but are we really? Are we even really over the kindergarden phase or just the school phase in general. and maybe the “popularity” contest isn’t a highschool phase but a fundamental social dynamics that just gets highlighted a lot in highschool. or is very impressionable because it coincides with a lot of hormonal movements.

At the time of this writing, im at connecticut college a god forsaken place where i feel like im at the bootom of the pecking order of cooolness but i dont really know what the metric of coolnes is here. wait i actually know; the metric of coollness here is being a fein, a party animal being an athlete and especially one of the better athletes. and then once this phase is over it will be career, who is working where, how much one is earning. I already know this because my friends have all graduated and are already in that phase. im just lagging a bit.

I just hope i fit my own perspective of coolness which usually if im isolated im narcissistic enough to fit my own coolness. just that social interactions always bring you down. pull u back to earth. well sometimes it lifts you up and my trick has been just to take energy from that. shoutout to sk times, lmao everytime i feel ugly i just think back to all the women compliments i’ve gotten.

long poast but stream of consciousness as always.